I always let this happen.
I set myself up for disaster way too much.

not one bit. I don’t deserve this..

just got home from an amazing day with my friends. we went to the lake and had a water balloon and squirt gun fight. it was so so so much fun. c: I couldn’t stop smiling the whole time because of all the fun I was having.
but, when I got home and me and my family were cutting the cake and all, I honestly wanted to sob the whole time. I don’t know why, I just did, and still do. I find it funny how I was trying to hold back my tears every time I took a bite of that cake. I don’t know why I’m so sad all the time. the only time I’m not sad is when I’m with friends or distracted by something. when I’m at home and alone, that’s when the depressing and suicidal thoughts come back. these thoughts never leave, they’re either in the back of my mind or all I can think about. I hate feeling like such a fucking freak. I just want to be normal and happy. that’s all I want; to be fucking happy.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. like my family, my friends, being able to go to school, having a roof over my head, etc.
but, I just can’t help but get sad a lot. certain thoughts just crawl inside my head and ruin me. which is making me to start cutting again. I went 2 whole weeks without doing that. which is a nice record for me. I promised someone I’d try to stop, but I just can’t. I love it too much. and I bet I sound insane now. yay.
anyways, sometimes, I wish someone would just tell me that I won’t always feel this way. that these thoughts and feelings will go away. which is what I tell someone when they come to me to talk. that’s what I want: someone to tell me those things. no one’s ever told me that. they just say “oh it’s going to be okay.” in the most ungenuine way ever, and start talking about their own life. they don’t care, not one bit. which annoys me so damn much. I listen to what they have to say an give them advice all the time, and they don’t make time to do the same for me. fuck, I just want someone, anyone to show they fucking care about me and my shitty existence..

I’m just scared.
I’m scared that one day, I’m going to do something.
something that I won’t ever be able to take back.
I just want all of these suicidal thoughts to leave already.
they’ve been sticking around for the longest time. and I’m sick and tired of them. I’m tired of cutting myself. but I just want to keep doing it. I can’t stop. and I’m actually starting to accept that. sadly.

I just don’t understand. not even a few days ago, you told me you’d never leave me and that you’d ‘love me forever’. I believed you. when we started going out, I thought, “wow, she’s different from the other girls! she’d never hurt me.”
I was fucking wrong.
you lied to me. YOU LIED. you promised me that you’d always be here. but you’re not. you promised that you’d love me forever and always. you lied. I told you EVERYTHING about myself. every single thing. the good and the bad. I trusted you with everything. I trusted you because I thought you’d never leave me. I’m so naive. we were supposed to get married in a beautiful garden one day, have cute kids, live on a farm, and grow old together. we planned it all out like the hopeless romantics we are. we were supposed to go to prom together. we were supposed to be together. forever. what happened to that? how could your mind change that quickly?! was I not good enough for you? oh no, apparently I’m ‘perfect’ and ‘amazing’ and you love me with your ‘whole heart’. BULLSHIT. if you really thought that, you wouldn’t still be in love with her. and you fucking know it. you just led me on. that’s all you did. you made me believe all of your sweet words, and then, right when you know I’m hopelessly in love with you, you break my heart..how could you do that to me?
honestly, right from the start in relationships, I prepare myself for the goodbye. always have, and most likely always will. because that’s what relationships have shown me. they’ve shown me that ‘forever’ is a bunch of bullshit. and they were right. I should’ve known that this wouldn’t last ‘forever’. I should’ve, but I didn’t.
fuck you. I just couldn’t stay away from you. you were so sweet, funny, and charming that I just HAD to get to know you. I wish I hadn’t. because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be feeling this hurt right now. I’ve never ever felt this heartbroken before. ever. I honestly feel like my heart’s about to fall out of my chest and burst into millions of pieces.
I’ve never been so in love with someone like this before. you say you ‘need space and time’, but, just going 2 days without talking to you is honestly killing me. I can’t stay away from you. I love you so damn much. I want you back. I want you to call me ‘babygirl’ again, I want to have funny conversations with you, I want to hear your beautiful voice again. but you know what I want the most? I want you to tell me that I’m the only girl for you. that you’re still not in love with her. that you want to be with me forever. that you will LOVE me forever..
that’s what I want. but I doubt that will happen. I guess I’ll just always get heartbroken. besides, I’m the one that always gets broken up with, right? there will always be someone better than me, prettier than me, funnier than me.
there will always be someone. someone that will steal her away, someone that will bring back old feelings, someone that will catch her eye. and that’s when they leave. it’s always the same shit. they realize that they can do so much better than me, and leave.
I just want a true relationship. I want to be able to believe someone will ‘love me forever’. I want to be able to not worry that someone’s cheating on me. I just want someone who will love me. forever and always. I want someone to make me believe in love again. that’s it. that’s all I want.
but, I guess we can’t have everything.
right? 3